Teenagers struggle with fulfillment. Somehow, as we transition from children to adults, we begin feeling this never-ending thirst for something. We don’t know what it is, but we certainly feel that it can be filled.
Some seek this fulfillment in family or a significant other in the hope that a relationship will fill this gap. Others seek fulfillment in sports, hoping that fame will cure their mysterious problem. Finally, others seek fulfillment in momentary pleasure, assuming that drugs or alcohol can fill a hole in their hearts.
After all, isn’t this what the world teaches us? That we can find fulfillment in pleasure, fame, and money?
Boy/girl relationships are tricky. Beginning them can be the most difficult thing in the world, especially if you’re rather shy. Sometimes, you can come across strong and the opposite party thinks you’re flirtatious. Other times, you’re too timid and the opposite gender thinks you’re scared. Confusing, right? Well, fear not, for today I have teamed up with Christian girl blogger Keziah E to answer some of humanity’s most difficult questions: about those of the opposite gender.
Keziah and I are writing about the two different sides- she is covering the side of the girls, and I’m answering the questions about the boys. There are two categories: Misconceptions and flirting. Keziah and I will each give 10 misconceptions about our own gender, then follow that up by giving 6 ways we think the other side flirts. Ladies, if you aren’t already, make sure to follow Keziah’s fantastic blog by clicking here. With that, let’s dive right in!
Last week, we learned about dating and courtship. We learned what true dating and courtship are, and we also defined the two terms. Then, we set the bare minimum standard for dating, reiterating what I published a few months ago in my post “5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Date Until You’re 19”. This post specifically laid out guidelines on deciding when to actually start dating. These included, but are not limited to, financial stability, a knowledge of proper manners, emotional stability, spiritual maturity, and discipleship by men/women in the Church.
Moving on past when to date, we also learned when not to date. High school was discussed in detail, and it was eventually decided that, as a general rule, high school dating is neither necessary nor reasonable, based on the reasoning found in this article, published by the Circe Institute.
After all of that, we are still left with one major question- what does real, Christian dating look like? This is, quite unfortunately, a question that few ask and even fewer would care to answer. Most Christians date whenever and however they wish, leaving younger, more inquisitive minds with a warped image of both themselves and their relationships. Somehow, we have almost deluded our younger generation into believing that young teenagers are within their rights to date before the age of fifteen.
This is a travesty. Nobody seems to know what real, Christian dating is. Some, such as Joshua Harris, seemed to have a clear picture, only to fall to the world’s pressures and recant. Others claim to have a clear picture but they deceive both themselves and others, all under the guise of a Christ-like performance. Truly, a sad thing has happened to the Christian community.
Dating must begin first and foremost with the Bible. I, personally, believe in the Bible as the full and inspired Word of God, flawless and infallible, as the final source on any matter regarding Christianity. So, with that, let’s take a look at two key verses that speak into this matter.
Once a subject frequented by author giants such as Joshua Harris, courtship and dating have now been left in the dust as an irrelevant topic. Unfortunately, with the dramatic exit of Harris and his co-authors, we are now left with many questions and few answers. Frequently, during conversations with fellow Christians, I encounter this subject and often find it difficult to speak on. After all, it’s an awkward topic and is supposedly foolish for one of my age to even think about. Unfortunately, this is just as deluded as the idea that the Patriots are a good football team.
In a famous book, the author writes, “An Olympic athlete begins training at an early age. You don’t see someone begin training a day before the 400-yard-dash. It takes years of preparation, all for that moment.” While I remember neither the author nor the book, the quote remains with me to this day, a reminder of the fact that nobody is too young to begin preparation for marriage. If you’re reading this as a single kid, you need to start preparing.
The word “dating” often brings out mixed emotions and views. Secular people think of dating as a commonplace activity, comparable to sports or television in what it brings. Christians think of dating with many different opinions. Some treat it just as commonly as non-believers do, while others give it a wide berth. Some give it no veneration, while others revere it as if it is a gift from God; which, of course, it is. Despite the apparent similarities between secular and Christian dating, Christians should remember that dating is a gift from God, and should be treated with all due respect and reverence.
One of the major differences between secular and Christian dating is the means. Secular people treat dating as a means to take, though this appears to be quite confusing, it is easily explained. Essentially, many secular people view dating as an activity used to take from others. This is comparable to Christmas time, when the only thought within the mind of a child is what to get from Santa Claus. Just as children view Christmas as a time for getting presents, secular men and women see dating as a time for receiving pleasure. Whether acknowledged or not, pleasure is always found at the center of secular dating.
Christians must treat dating as a means to give. While the secular assessment of dating centers on self-seeking pleasure, Christian dating should focus on selfless giving. Tragically, the art of giving has become a lost art within today’s culture. Millions of unsaved people make it a habit to take without giving, while Christians are supposed to do just the opposite. Christians must learn to give, not out of duty, but out of love, for “If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing” (English Standard Version, 1 Corinthians. 13.3). Without love, a person cannot hope to give. But within love, giving becomes the most radical testimony a Christian could share, for love through giving is a way to reach out to anybody, be they Muslim, Atheist, or Buddhist. Giving is not only a testimony of faith but also a testimony of character. A Christian armed with this knowledge will find giving within love illuminates personal testimony. Giving displays love, and love does not tear down, as hatred does. Selfish taking is a form of hatred, which destroys all hope for relationship. Contrary to this, love creates relationship, and the creation of relationship should consistently be the main goal within a Christ-led courtship.
Non-believers view dating as a pathway to sex. In today’s world, sex and dating are intertwined. The two go hand in hand, according to some, and are interchangeable. Because there is no Biblical background to most relationships, there is no context to sex. Thousands of unsaved men and women enter sexual relationships with no knowledge of God’s intention for sex within marriage. Because of this, few realize that sex must be held within marriage, else it inevitably becomes boring to the participants, who eventually break up or divorce. Today, secular marriage is only necessary when a couple wishes to exchange rings, have a ceremony, and join last names- no other reason. When the couple lives together, sleeps together, and can already have children, what true purpose does marriage hold to a secular couple? None.
Christians must treat dating as a road to marriage. Unlike secular dating, which is used to gain pleasure, Christians should view dating as a pathway to a possible marriage. Dating will not always end in marriage, and, because of this, should be viewed as a pathway to marriage. When viewed as a road to marriage, Christian dating becomes something far more special then secular dating. This time period is used as an opportunity for possible couples to learn about each other. The time within engagement is spent differently when the end goal is marriage, since secular dating has no end goal, save for pleasure, which is not fulfilling in the least. Did God intend for dating to be used within the context of marriage? Yes! How else is a young Christian going to learn about his future spouse? If two people were to enter marriage without having any true knowledge of each other, their marriage will likely be destroyed. Dating within the context of marriage has been blessed by God, and should be emulated by all young Christian men and women.
The major difference between secular and Christian dating is the inclusion of God within the relationship. Earthly relationships have no inclusion or basis with God; instead, they focus on pleasure, within sex, and taking what they can get. It is because of this that “About 40 to 50 percent of marriages within the United States end in divorce” (Lewis). When God is not included in dating, the relationship between the couple cannot be expected to last.
If a future marriage is to last, it is paramount that dating couples include God into their relationship. A problem found within many Christian couples is a lack of knowledge on how to incorporate God into their relationships. While they still pray, read their Bibles, or go to church, they are not actively including God into their relationship. The inclusion of God into a relationship involves careful prayer between the couple, reading the Bible together, going to church together, asking God how they can be the best husband/wife. This incorporation of God, while seeming to be unimportant, is crucial for producing a healthy, mature marriage.
While the differences between Secular and Christian dating appear to be few, they are extremely different, two beliefs separating two totally different ways of approaching relationships. Because of these differences, Christians have to remember that dating is a gift from God, and should be treated with all due respect and reverence.
The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Crossway, 2001. Print.
Alright, that’s all for today. Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed that throwback. If you haven’t already, be sure to click that Follow button below (or to the side) so as to not miss out on any new posts. Thanks again, and I hope you have a wonderful day!
Many American teenagers frequently date before the age of 15. (Child Trends, 2015) By the age of 20, some people may have dated up to 30 different people. American teens date too early and too often. God created dating for use inside the context of marriage. Should dating not be used for its proper purpose? If early dating is wrong, then American teenagers should reserve dating for marriage and not date until ready for a serious commitment.
Granted, dating can provide a relational experience. In making mistakes, experience and memory will show a person to not make more of the same mistakes in the future. However, experience in unnecessary dating can give pain and brokenness. One should experience dating in the way one should experience a snake bite-you run away and don’t look back!
To begin, dating at an early age has no point. Normally, a boy who dates at an early age will date a girl for a few months, and when he tires of her, he will dump her. Almost immediately, he will begin dating a new girl. Then when he finishes with her, he will dump her as well. The cycle continues, with nothing gained except practice for divorce. Why date so many women? When asked, one 16-year-old stated, “Dating helps you to get to know girls!” What’s the point? Does anybody gain anything in the long run? As a matter of fact, yes. People gain heartbreak and sinful habits. They become slaves to themselves and their own pleasure. Nothing good comes out of dating so many women. Dating is to be used inside the context of marriage. It should be used in the hopes that two people will get married. It may not lead to marriage, but the intent still exists.
Secondly, the Bible speaks against dating. While a young Christian would disagree, older Christians know that the Bible tells us not to date until both God and the children’s parents ordain it. Song of Songs 8:4 says “Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you: do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time.”[1]Solomon cries out to the daughters of Jerusalem to avoid seeking love before God ordains it. In that day, the women of Jerusalem sought marriage or prostitution for sexual means before the age of 18. Solomon, while not the best example with women, tells us God, not us, oversees our love life. Romans 12:1 says, “Therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God; this is your spiritual worship.”[2] Paul states that Christians should keep their bodies pure, for if we exist as part of a holy marriage to God through His church, then should our bodies not be kept pure for him? Dating ensues kissing and often more. Many American teens take dating as permission to freely have sex or sexual contact. They become like rampaging soldiers-free to do as they want. These sinful actions do not glorify God, but instead defile his temple.
Finally, dating should exist for marriage and marriage only. Childtrends.org states that around 40% of 10th graders date frequently. By 12th grade, 72% date frequently and 16% date more than once a week (Child Trends Databank, 2015). Certainly, today’s dating exists differently from the dating God created. In the beginning, God created Adam and Eve. When Adam first set sight on Eve-the first and only perfect woman-, he fell in love. From the top of her blonde hair to the bottoms of her bare feet, Adam loved Eve. He could not stop looking at this literal vision from heaven, and for the first time in human history, a man fell in love with a woman. In a sense, he dated her, through his wooing of her heart. God planned for something to come before marriage-dating. God created dating for use inside the context of marriage. A God so pure and holy did not intend dating as a path to sex. He created it for a man and women to use in the process to marriage. Every human being who misuses dating misuses God’s Holy purpose. In our pride, we, as fallen humans, think that we choose to define dating, not God. With God as King, we have no need to rise above him. The created submit to the all knowledgeable creator, who invented and created dating for us to enjoy inside the context of marriage.
American teens should reserve dating for marriage, and not date until they are ready for a serious commitment. Dating has been tainted. Many teens use dating as a highway for sexual acts. They fornicate without guilt, and the American culture glorifies it. Should people not honor God with their bodies? Should they not seek to use dating for the purpose that God created it for? Yes, America needs to change. Dating needs to change.
Elisha McFarland 